July will be what it will be

On dealing with disappointment

Ah, silly little human!

So many adventures were marked in my calendar this month... a pilgrimage to ancient ceremonial sites in the Black Hills of South Dakota with Lakota elders and Zen friends. A lazy Sunday kayaking in the shadow of the Catskills. A midday lunch break in the brand new and oh-so-inviting city pool in my neighborhood.

And none of it will be happening.

It's a long and not-so-exciting story... An early morning visit to a NYC emergency room. A leg-full of blood clots, a rare but known side effect of my anti-cancer medication. Three separate procedures with a vascular surgeon. My leg wrapped in 18 feet of bandages so tight my eyes are popping (in the dog days of summer). And a warning not to fly until this is resolved.

Grrrr!

But the good news is that I've had some practice with disappointment.

Sitting in a meditation hall many years back, I heard the Buddhist teacher Joseph Goldstein advise:

"Don't let your suffering go to waste."

That struck me as mighty wise, though I hardly knew how one could pull it off. Could it be possible to reframe life's disappointments, large and small, as opportunities to pull back the curtain and learn something authentic and true? Most especially, could it be done without the benefit of rose tinted glasses? (I smile when people irreverently call these unwelcome moments AFGO... another effing growth opportunity).

I had one such opportunity a few years ago when I was having breast cancer surgery the same day my book Heartwood was released. As I recuperated, I had nothing better to do than to peel back layer after layer of why this was so miserable. Definitely there was physical pain. I was worried for my health and for my future. I didn't want my kids to be scared. And I was wildly disappointed that I was missing several opportunities to talk about the book that was 10 years in the making. And, And, And...

At the root of all of this unease, though, there seemed to be one major culprit...an expectation that things should work out the way I wanted them to. I could see it so clearly...my very deep-seated attachment to being in control of practically everything.

Lying there on the couch thinking about my situation, it was impossible to miss that LIFE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. It's inevitable that things will be outside our control at some point. Like a health crisis, or the loss of a loved one. Or a job loss, a change in relationship status, or your kid not getting what they want and you think they “deserve.” You name it, things won't always be the way we’d like, and hoping beyond hope that they will is a sure recipe for suffering.

Here are a few ways I’m looking at this these days:

• With this new disappointment, I'm trying really hard to just sit and watch all of the emotions flow by without pushing any aside or hurrying some along. I'm especially careful to notice any tendency to think it would be better if I forced myself to be more cheerful or optimistic. (Dismissing or minimizing what's hard is called "toxic positivity" and it's almost a given in our culture. You'll know it by phrases like: "Look on the bright side..." or "Everything happens for a reason..." or "It could be much worse...")

• I'm asking myself: What if uncertainty weren't the enemy? There's a Zen principle called "not knowing" or "beginner's mind." This is where you set aside your fixed view of how things are or how they should be. (Or how you/other people are or should be.) How liberating it would be to let go of preconceived ideas about people or things. And to stop grasping for any particular desired outcome. That way, we're ready for anything.

• “Begin again” - The only helpful thing we can really do is to bring ourselves back to this moment, again and again and again. It's a helpful reset, this practicing continuously.

• Meditation really helps. So does being outside in nature. Music. Delicious summer fruit. A good book. (But, for me, there is nothing so on-point as meditation.)

• At the end of the day, we aren't just learning to be grounded for ourselves (that would be a sneaky way of trying to be in control again). It's about being solid enough to be of service to others too.

I'll end with a little story... Last week, one of the Lakota elders I know learned that I wasn't going to make it on our trip. Out of the blue, he called and offered a prayer in Lakota, along with some traditional medicine wisdom for my situation. It was very caring and kind. Afterward, I asked if he was looking forward to the trip, and he reluctantly said that he was worried that the old tires on his truck wouldn't make it from his reservation to the Black Hills. It just so happened that the refund I got moments earlier from United Airlines was exactly what it would take to replace and rebalance his tires and fill the tank with gas.

And so it goes. Little miracles everywhere, even where you least expect it.